It all started so innocently.
Two friends, bonded by their love of nature and spontaneous outbursts of rock and heavy metal singing screeching, photoshooting going batshit on camera, having decided to find a spot and do the aforementioned, with copious amounts of snacks and nibbles (screw the Victoria Secret diet, we’re all about the Victoria Banquet diet).
There we were, (well its mostly me below, you can find my sister in crime here) in our little Witchy Temple of Gothic Sashay, prancing, cavorting, and… generally scaring park-goers away.
Well, really if you happen to go for a leisurely stroll into a romantic park and then stumble upon two fully fledged cape-wearing, military cap-sporting chicks screaming ‘I AM THE DEVIIIIIIIL ! I LOVE METAAAAL!’ (best anthem ever), then I suppose your first instinct will be to evacuate the area.
Still, the daytime was enjoyed and much photographic madness ensued…Until the Pink Moon showed up and got us in trouble …. #BlameItOnTheMoonLight
The below is me on full outdoors lunatic mode. Please note that this is NOT representative of my dancing (in reality it’s worse).
|All the fucks I give|
Eventually, after a good few hours chilling in the wee temple – and after a visit to the temple of wee – we pondered about our options. Go elsewehere? Get some more supplies and chill?
Options were actually cut short by a downpour of torrential rain (I reckon my twirling was actually an ancient rain dance), which made us leg it to the nearest Tesco for supplies.
Armed with our survival kit (wine), we made our way back into Regent’s Park, not realising that soon, we were going to be fellow roommates with the park’s critters (AND MOTHERFUCKING DEMON DUCKS).
Of course not; not only were we doing inverted aerial press ups (holding your phone towards the sky, taking it down to check the pic, holding it back up, and down again : it huuurts), but we eventually decided to do another round of photoshooting ….
1) You start chanting in the wild a new hit song (lead AND rhythm guitar, drums and bass line included). No, scrap that, you start howling ‘THUNDERBOOOOZINNNG, THUNDERBOOOOOOZIIIIIING!!’ with your fellow companion in madness, not giving a damn that both your blinged up arses are in the middle of a gigantic park in the middle of the night.
2) You run into the park’s wilderness like a demented banshee, happily belting about, until the most demonic quack from the depths of bird hell reaches your eardrums.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the DEMON DUCKS of Regents Park – louder than Slayer and Manowar combined, and with a growl making them the perfect candidates for the duck version of Cannibal Corpse – Animal Corpse.
I mean, we literally didn’t give a shit about potential serial killers in the middle of the park; yet the maleficent quacking got us fearing for our lives … Ducking Hell.
But the story doesn’t end there. Nah :
3) You try to make your way out, but realise that ALL the gates are locked, padlocked and deadlocked in the ENTIRE park, because guess wot : the park shuts at 21:30 and we didn’t finish thundermooning until way past 23:30.
Upon arrival at the main gate, the most dramatic theme tune started playing – which again threw us into ‘wtf’ mode.
And listen, I am not talking soft Beethoven. I am talking dramatic, grandiose, epic, dark, classical music; Armaggedon – The Ducks Are Gonna Peck you to Death music.
Atmospheric, my frozen arse.
It turns out that we happened to lock ourselves right by the Open Air theatre of Regents Park, where an obviously dramatic play was taking place, giving us the perfect backing track to our Locked Up in Open Air With Satanic Ducks adventure.
After having clarified this freaky coincidence, we swallowed our pride and decided to call the police to unlock us from the zoo and its feathery people. In case you didn’t know- like I didn’t know, it is actually an offence to be in a London park after closing time. Oops.
Luckily, the officer just reminded us of that, and let us roam free out of the beautiful park. Not without a wtf look, but if thats the price to pay for freedom from a night with the Demon Ducks, we decided we’ll take it!