Simmering in misery is not a prerogative exclusively reserved to Goths who have realised at the last minute that they have run out of Raven Manic Panic hair dye. It is a very easy trap to fall into for anyone. And in fact, as the Lord Freddie Mercury is my witness: I have done some serious, Olympic-level swimming in my own private pool of self-pity a few years back (Gold Medalist year 2014).
But looking back, a few of these phases were triggered by events which in themselves were either overblown at the time or plain insignificant – from a lifetime perspective. Of course, some events can be truly traumatic and justify mourning and recovery, but others can be rationalised faster than it takes Kim Kardashian to find a new butt implant.
So how does one gain perspective when their world crumbles faster than a bunch of pub-goers in London circa 11pm?
*Insert cheesy quote from Nobel Prize winner with a mansion and 50,000 in the bank*
Nah. Instead we will go with :
* The Practical Guide to Not Giving A F*ck *
1) La Isla Bonita – Hakuna Matata Remix
Pat your body down a la Madonna circa 1986, breathe in and out, do a twirl and verify that your head, arms and legs are still attached to you (boobs and balls can also be added for the extra check).
Alleluia, you have some of the most fundamental and underrated ingredients to enable you to be a fully functioning, successful human being. SO BE GRATEFUL!
We often forget that there are people out there who are not able to do the simplest things. When you throw a tantrum because your favorite cake is not available at the supermarket, remember that there is a sumo somewhere in the world who is being force-fed and hates that bloody cake.
However, you have the choice to get the cake from somewhere else or replace it with something else (mmm donut).
Moral of the story? There is usually an alternative, obvious or not, easy or not. Hakuna Matata Madonna.
2) Remember That People = Shit.
Ok, this one is for Slipknot fans but the gist is : You got stuck in your feelings? Someone haunting your mind harder than Casper the Friendly Ghost and leaving nasty trails a la Slimer? Well, I believe that when this happens, one should be reminded that :
• That is all they are – feelings. Yes, they hurt and they turn your brains into a motherboard of pain and a circuitry of neurotic thoughts running 24/7, but no one else is in control of this machinery but you. If you think about it, you are the pilot in the Air Force Moi cockpit: you can keep dragging the plane down a la Osama, or you can be a Bruce Dickinson and fly like an eagle.
Or do a Samuel Jackson and go HAM!
• Anyone who tries to rain on your parade WANTS you to feel affected (and has nothing on the British weather). Will you give this satisfaction to a culprit who is probably prancing about, without a care in the world, whilst you are drowning in Kleenex and saltiness? I don’t. I do not give my power away. And I hate snakes 🙂
3) Hello, Is It Me You Are Looking For? Recognise Your Only Competitor: Yourself.
If there is one important thing I have learnt over the last few years, is that society is engineered to get people to compete against each other, to live unattainable lifestyles, with fake visions of what is deemed the ‘best’ way to life. Fuck that. I only strive to be better and achieve more than I did yesterday. I legitimately do not understand people who compete against each other (unless their last name is Lannister and they belong in Game of Thrones).
Case in point: Someone has had the audacity to complain that I had a tattoo done before her; exact words were ‘bitch (*fake smile inserted*)! I wanted one done first!!’. Um, what’s stopping you booboo?? Do you see me dragging you away from the tattoo shop?? This was two years ago, and as far as I know she still hasn’t made it to the shop.
Do things for you, when you want not depending on what Birdalita across the road is going to do.
4) Toxicity in the city? Cut toxic people out (not like Freddy Krueger please)
We all have these ‘acquaintances’ amongst our social circles whose presence is only tolerated out of peer pressure (‘look we are a group and we can’t stand person A but we look so good in herd selfies right?’ ) or who linger on your backside like fancy skid marks because they are only interested in gossip. Time to clean up!
I did it, and life has never been better. More time to spend with authentic, genuine people and less time wasted feeding others’ thirst for attention. I realised earlier in the year that a certain number of people were only interested in ‘going for a drink’ with me to immediately start interrogating me about my personal life to the nth degree, and questioning in a judgmental manner my life choices. That wouldn’t be half as bad weren’t for the looks of utter disappointment I’d get when I’d respond: ‘everything is fine and I am happy!’
So, who is texting you to check on you vs who is texting you to check up on you?
5) To piggy back on the above: Time goes forward, not backwards.
I regret having spent so much time with sycophants, but I have learnt a lesson for the future which is to value my time. Unlike Jon Bon Jovi and his amazing facelifts, we don’t get any younger.
Do you really want to waste another day living to fit within or spend the day living to be fit?
(sorry, these are my kisses not Jon’s ;-))