Rage Against The Caffeine
About a month ago, I started a new corporate job which is located all the way down England’s untrimmed backyard (I am not joking, it is like being in Middle Earth – Gollum’s district).
Ever since then, a new morning routine has been taking place, which is worthy of a Benny Hill soundtrack.
I sprint out of my flat, coordinated black handbag and black eyebags in tow – then realise I am missing something unimportant – like my laptop, then do a Usain Bolt back to the flat, aaaaaand out again, stick my headphones on, headbang my way to the Underground station to the tune of ‘Highway to Hell’ from AC/DC (it makes me walk faster – not like Angus’ duck walk though), and finally squeeze myself between sweaty Business dude and over-perfumed office chick (best combo to neutralise the stench).
The main focus of this ritual is to make sure I arrive on time – not to work (eh who cares about that?), but to what I call the “London Bridge Zombie Petrol Station”.
The “London Bridge Zombie Petrol Station” is the Caffe Nero coffee shop situated on the top part of London Bridge station. It is narrow, dark and full of drama.
I wouldn’t dedicate an entire blog post to it, weren’t it for a couple of annoying rant-worthy incidents illustrative of the rush hour stupidity which plagues big cities like London. Also, I like to moan about random stuff, so why not the “London Bridge Zombie Petrol Station”?
[NB:I am not a Transformers in disguise, just a plain ol’ regular office zombie, needing a fix of caffeine pumped straight into the veins in order to survive the day ahead.]
1. The queue in the morning is so long, it sticks out from the shop, and nearly gets your arse illegally posted straight onto the the departure platforms – try explaining that to a ticket inspector?
2. The staff are rudder and icier than Robocop on a Winter Solstice day. I asked for a receipt once and got the most evil eye since Sauron from Lord of The Rings. The cashier then proceeded to huff and puff so much, I thought she was having an asthma attack, and then did the slowest pressing on a button process I have ever seen in my entire life. You know when you are a teenager and you drag your feet when your mama asks you to clean up your room? That is what happens every morning at Nero when you ask for a receipt. Y tho?
3. Some customers are so eager to get to their
slavemaster office, that they act like you are the Invisible Woman. And I ain’t that thin . Let me explain. Like in the scenario above, my coffee receiving process involves two things : getting the coffee, and getting the receipt.
When I get my coffee, I transact money in exchange of said coffee and this is documented in a receipt which I use for my business.
So I need an extra 10 seconds at the till (or 8 minutes if Robocop is serving) to get my receipt. Explain to me why some Elmer Fudd looking woman, thought it was acceptable to barge in front of me when I am still running through process number 1, and am literally inputting my pin code into the machine?! This broad didn’t just barge, she started ordering her Latte Maccrapo over me.
Sadly for her, I am a cranky chick by nature, but when I haven’t had coffee? Run for the hills and don’t bother with the crazy train.
‘BITCH PLEASE. YOU SHALL ORDER YOUR COFFEE WHEN I AM DONE, MMKAY?!’
Elmer Fudd was NOT expecting that. I didn’t either. But you learn something new every day right?
Since then, I am trying to avoid this place like the plague, but I am a zombie and totally addicted to caffeine. Oh, what’s the time? 4pm??
Please share your coffee stories, I need to feel part of a community of addicts, not a single lunatic…please? LOL