Heart of Glass : Le Curse of Giving a Fuck
Yes, I went there, straight for the F word in the post title. But guess what : I made it all nice and elegant with a French “le”, so I am forgiven, non? *french wink*
Ahhhh … 2017.
The year which has given me so much trouble, I could easily reincarnate into the heavy metal version of Taylor Swift and blast a deafening version of “I knew you were trouble” – all dedicated to 2017’s revelations and pains.
Rest assured, I won’t do this here, and neither will I go through a catalogue of the donkey manure this year has brought. You can use the search function for that teehee! Instead, I am going to post up some pictures from Paris on the theme of things that break easily – i.e. Trust, Hearts & Moffos When They Cross Me. Because unfortunately, but hopefully not for long, I am the kind of person who cares too much – and usually gets an echo to the tune of “bullshit” when I need someone. [all pics mine!]
Like the below pyramid (Pyramide du Louvre), I am both dark and light (Goth on the outside, Hello Kitty on the inside), but I am also strong and weak … I always feel as badass as Lemmy when my friends tell me that one of the things they like about me, is that I am “strong”. But what most people don’t know is that under my “strong“, is the girl who puts up a shell because of an extremely sensitive nature and many years of emotional abuse.
I have always had a naive and trusting nature, and it really messed me up when I was younger. Especially when I was getting a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from a young age, and couldn’t understand what I did to deserve this. So I built a pyramid like structure around me, and have tried to be cautious about who I allow close to me. They think they can see the real me through the glass …
In effect, I have this colourful front – just like this amazing Louvre Metro station– I smile, crack jokes, have my silly persona … I destroy people in meetings, I travel alone, I can whip people with my hair in any head banging competition …I am strong. I lend people my ears, my time, my money, my energy at all times, because … I am strong.
What am I complaining about you say?
Well, I am having an online fit because this seems to mean – that I am not allowed to turn grey once in a while, or that I do not need or deserve anything back.
Whilst I have learnt to play to the tune of my own drums and misery, well it sucks to realise people would rather lie and pretend they haven’t heard your cry for help, or worse pretend they haven’t seen your cry for help.
So, I have felt heavy in every sense of the word lately. From my heart to my bottom.
I have wanted to do fun shoots in Paris, but fate has it that I am ending up doing sad, depressing shots … because of caring too much about people who don’t care about me. As my friend said, if you care about people then you are constantly thinking about them first and you last … thinking someone will do the same for you. Hell to the no, people are people and the truth is that everyone is busy with their own world – which is fair enough- but doesn’t help sad souls like me who give too much attention to others feelings and needs.
Time to let go?
It sounds horrible but I have decided to GIVE UP ON PEOPLE in 2018. It is such a horrible thing to write, but sadly, I have come to the realisation that unless I stop diffusing so much of my time on daily free whatsap psychotherapy sessions and assorted genuine one sided actions, I will lose track of my own life, and waste time and life force assisting Dick, Tom, And Harry- who will not lift an eyelid when needed.
Time to be selfish and drive my own boat, hair in the air. Hello 2018.