The Imperfect Perfectionist
Firstly a note to say thank you to my new and existing followers for being here and apologies for late posting!
The truth is that lately, I have been trying to do too many things at the same time and ended up doing none of them. Case in point: this blog, my guitar practice, my singing practice, my photography and trip planning. I literally haven’t partaken in any of these activities up until this week. I did do air guitaring and air singing, but I don’t think my teachers would approve – I actually felt an air bollocking as I typed this.
What is my excuse? Actually, I don’t have ANY. I literally planned all the above in my head and didn’t execute any of them in my actual spare time; that time that is so precious and sought after and which we can’t gain back no matter how much Botox is injected and Facebook memories we store away.
Why? Because I hid behind self-pity driven excuses and gave my power away to these crappy excuses: ‘So and so are making me feel like shit, so I don’t feel like picking up my laptop and expressing myself’, ‘Work was long and boring, so I don’t want to do anything’, ‘This person and this person are fake and nasty to me wah wah wah’ [side note : these persons have been given the boot in the face and the ass to kiss, it has been a long time coming so hopefully this won’t be blogged about anymore, thankfully for you!].
This self induced mental overload and self-pressurisation is a classic rabbit hole for perfectionists like me. This state of mind, driven by grandiose ideas, actually leads to a vicious circle of doom [another great metal band title no?!] whereby the lack of action brings a lack of results which brings in more self-defeatism and self-prophesised failure. Crazy, right?? but it is true, and this fear of bringing imperfection into the world just blocks any outgoing action. Being a perfectionist is crippling and a pain the arse.
However, upon introspection I realise the following :
- If I (you) don’t give a damn about my (your) own activities, then who will ?! That daytime job I am blaming doesn’t care. This person who is judging me already, will judge anyway so why should I give it credence? Ultimately no-one is responsible but me (you).
- It is actually batshit and pretentious to think that I (you) can produce perfection – so really let’s just get on with it !
- Perfection cannot be defined and therefore does not exist in reality. The perfect photo does not exist, the perfect blog post does not exist, the perfect outfit does not exist – yet I was constantly trying to figure out THE blog post, THE photo, THE way to practice guitar or singing which would be most efficient in my head – and I actually did not produce anything.
- I (we) cannot expect people to abide by my (our) standards, but reciprocally, I (we) don’t have to abide to theirs and compromise my (our) own. Guys, on top of being a perfectionist by nature, I am also a Virgo. This is the combination which makes me the Iron Woman of Standards – on steroids. This means I have high, most likely unrealistic, expectations as to how people should treat others/ me. I was raised with the mindset of ‘treat others as you wish to be treated’, with the expectation that this is how people would also behave. Turns out this only happens in Middle Earth or Narnia. So what do I (we) do? Well you can accept it as it is or you can set your limits and decide at which point someone else’s behaviour towards you causes you too much inner turmoil – and sever ties faster than a Slayer riff. The latter is my case (not the Slayer riff sadly), and I don’t regret a single bit my decisions. Energetically I feel free of negative bonds and ties, it feels amazing!!
- Making mistakes is the only way to become … perfect – Yes! it may seem I am contradicting what I said above, but hear me out : being a perfectionist implies reaching out for that stage in your craft (whichever it may be), where no mistakes are made, and the execution is flawless, every single time. Well, how the hell am I (are you) supposed to get there if you don’t end up with : an Apple Watch on your blog pictures / your fingers slipping through the guitar string whilst pretending you are Jimi Hendrix/ voice croaking like a chicken with the flu when pretending you are AC/DC’s Bon Scott??? It ain’t gonna happen !!
So I am giving myself a break and trying to be patient with myself. I will learn from my mistakes, including pink bra straps ruining moody goth pictures, flawlessly applied make up ending up looking like a drunk Picasso painting in pictures, and guitar playing making the ghost of Vincent Van Gogh cut his remaining ear !! 🙂
Good enough is good enough !!!
Do you suffer from perfectionism? What are your thoughts and experiences on holding back?